Live Deliberately

Living each day with deep intention.

A lesson from the mirror…

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Admittedly, I have fallen off the bandwagon… as we do sometimes. I am human.

I have been so consumed in “life” for the past few months and I haven’t made the time to connect with myself. A few things happened. I was offered a job closer to my family and friends. I turned it down in order to take a promotion and wonderful opportunity at my current place of employment – realizing that this place is my new life and I have new friends and “family” right here as well. A few family events took place. Lastly, I turned 30 years old.

[Sidebar: turning the big 3-0 was not scary for me. A little known secret: I was EXCITED to turn 30. I was over being 20-something. I had heard that your 30s are your best years (so far, so damn good). I wanted… no… I desired a new chapter in life. What can I say… I love change. It keeps me on my toes. It makes me feel alive.]

I had all of these amazing things unraveling in my life and I wanted someone to share in all the joy that I was experiencing. I made the decision that I would get back into the dating world. It started slow… getting my feet wet. Testing the waters. Then sharing my stories and experiences with my closest friends and family. It was entertaining. Fun even. There were all these new doors of exploration. New people, new trips, new stories to tell.

Eventually, I got bored and sought more than just the dates. I wanted (and want) someone to do life with. I was looking for a friend and a partner – someone I dare call my best friend someday. I found myself questioning who I was going to spend (or waste) my time with. Did I want to invest my time with someone who wasn’t looking for the same things I was? Did I want to invest my time with someone who wasn’t good with or even wanted kids? The answer is simply NO.

 

I could tell you stories for days but the point to this story is that I never ended up finding what I was looking for. I forgot the real reason why I had begun dating in the first place: life is fantastic and I want someone to share it with.

After all those unsuccessful attempts, I had come full circle back to the person I had escaped from two years ago. Guarded. Cynical. Cold. The good news is… I caught it much quicker this time. About two weeks ago, getting ready for work, staring at myself in the mirror, I thought… “Damn. I am a catch. I’m beautiful – look at my face (thanks MOM!). I’m strong physically and mentally, just look at my physique and my busy schedule. I can handle most anything. I am smart, just look at how far I have gotten before the age of 30! But I am a whimp! I have let myself become damaged by the outside world thinking that I’m never going to find what I am looking for. Feeling something like rejection because of the cards I have been dealt. I started to put back up this wall. To men. To family. To my coworkers. And why? Everyone goes through this, I told myself. We all want connection.

The person staring at me in the mirror was screaming to be truly seen again. Let go. Open back up. Don’t be that person who is defined by their experiences. Embrace the experiences! What’s life without them? I settled back into my own skin. Checked back in with myself. Am I breathing? Check. Do I have my essentials? Check. Am I happy with my life? Check. So, SNAP OUT OF IT. Life is too short. Go tackle the world with passion and a smile on your face. Embrace each moment, good and bad.

That’s where I am at. The last few weeks have been wonderful and more opportunities await.

P.S. For everyone who has been told to lower their standards or stop having expectations… don’t listen to them. NEVER settle for less that what you believe you deserve.

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