Live Deliberately

Living each day with deep intention.


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Name-Calling, the Act of Shaming, and Manipulation

You know I like to talk about the controversial topics, and why not? It’s good for us to think deeper, dig deeper, and try to understand one another better and what makes us all TICK. So, here we go again! What is with people who choose to tear a person down, rather than build them up? Is there any excuse for name calling? Why do some people think it’s okay and what’s their reason for doing so?

I woke up with these thoughts this morning. I guess you can say, I had a dream about my own past. I’m not saying that I haven’t done my fair share of name calling and tearing people down during my young adult years… but when I look back, I quickly realize why I thought it was acceptable behavior. Lying in bed this morning, contemplating about this topic and why I woke up with it on my mind… I quickly recalled three separate occasions in which I was verbally labeled a derogatory term or shamed for simply being the person that I am.

On three separate occasions, by one single person and by someone I should look up to, I was called a bitch, insecure, and selfish. None of these things built me up, none of them were productive, and they certainly didn’t motivate me. Looking back, I realize that at one point in time I actually believed those words to true. Collectively, we know better. We are better than this. It seems like such a remedial topic but the reality is, this happens more often than we realize… and we let it happen! So, why do people tear others down or call them by some derogatory name?

I would think insecurities or self-worth is probably top of the list of reasons why people do it. Jealousy can be a factor as people see in others what they wish they had the courage to be or do, and it makes them resentful. Shaming is the second biggest reason I believe people behave this way. Shaming is never acceptable. Shaming is one of the biggest ways that manipulators tear people down, and their victims often have no idea what’s actually taking place. We’ve all heard someone passive-aggressively shame another parent for their parenting style, or a boss using polite techniques to degrade an employee for a mistake or bad judgement call, and we have even heard a parent shame their child in language that sounds pretty standard when first uttered, but when you stop to truly hear it… “you should know better” which I’ve even caught myself saying… implies that the child is a disappointment and the parent is ashamed of them.

Why is this such a hot topic for me? I think it breeds resentment in the receiver. As the receiver, we don’t realize why the comments bother us… but perhaps it’s the act of shaming, or the passive-agressive truths covered in rose petals, maybe it’s because we all recognize a form of manipulation and we inherently do not like being manipulated. When we name call or shame our peers, friends, colleagues, employees, or children, we are setting the precedence that this behavior is acceptable, particularly to children who are watching and mimicking our every action. They grow up believing that it’s okay to call your friend a derogatory term, or shame your lover for their preferences, or manipulate your peers through both name calling and shaming into agreeing with or seeing your point of view.

So, let’s not tear each other down with mind games such as name calling, shaming, or manipulation. Let’s accept one another as individuals. Let’s be respectful to one another. Let’s show our children how to be tolerant, kind, and human.

As an adult, I realize that these are all words, as hurtful as they can be, but they do not shape us and they should never be taken for truth, which is why no one should ever waste their breath uttering such unproductive and negative things. I am not a bitch… although, I can be if you back me into a corner. I am not insecure… however, I can be very shy and I am a bit of an introvert. I am not selfish… I give what I can, but I also remember that I, too, am a priority.

Much love. ❤

 


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Would you be so kind…?

When we think of love, kindness, and compassion, we tend to think of it as an external action or outward display towards others. However, the single most important display of love, kindness, and compassion is internal – the thoughts and perceptions you have of yourself. It’s not innate for us to be kind to ourselves. We’ve been conditioned to be tough and have become our own worst critic. It takes time, dedication, and practice to master the art of self-love.

On a daily basis, we tear ourselves down with thoughts of disappointment, resentment, limiting beliefs, and “I’m not good enoughs”. Rather, let’s stop to reflect, acknowledge our feelings of anger, self-loathing, disappointments, regrets, and then choose another feeling… Gentler feelings of forgiveness, compassion, second chances, new beginnings, a lesson learned, and loving ourselves for who we are.

The mass tends to think of this as moosh, “self-help,” or pitiful fixes to our “broken self” but these are moment in which we become aware, grow, and change direction. This isn’t an attempt to fix ourselves… this is removing the blocks that get in the way so that our true self can be revealed.

And then… It is not until you master your own inward compassion and self-love that you genuinely begin to show kindness towards others. Your inner world is no longer full of turmoil and tainted with negative thoughts and self-inflicting limitations and fears, leading only to the outward display of hate, anger, bitterness, judgement – and other feelings brewed by fear. (Ahhh – that word again!)

First, remove the toxic thoughts you have of yourself. Second, remove the toxic thoughts you have about others…. and only then will you truly exemplify love and compassion.

Be the love you wish to see in the world. (OK – so, it’s not verbatum… I’m sure Mahatma Gandhi won’t mind.) ❤